Cody: Yup, it’s football season. Sure there is 3 months left in baseball but let’s be honest – once football training camps start up its football season. This means two things: 1. It’s football season so your girlfriend takes a backseat for the next few months 2. It’s also NCAA Football/Madden video game season. While this brings me immense joy and excitement every year there are a few shortfalls. Last year for the first time, I started playing online games to see where I stack up against people other than my friends. While it was an absolute blast to play against friends your buddy from down the street for bragging rights, it’s not so much fun to play against these 20 people:
20. The Over-Complimentary Opponent – Dude, I know I just made a 6-yard gain but please -you don’t need to let me know how good of a job Brandon Albert did with sealing off his guy. This guy will compliment just about every positive play made along with making his Madden-esque breakdown of why the play developed since you can’t do replays in online games.
19. “Oh, Man” Man - This gamer will say literally the same thing after every single play that goes the opposite way. He sounds like a Pat Summerall broken record circa 1999-2003 (“Flag on the play….flag on the play”).
18. The 10 Year Old – Nothing gives me more pleasure than really sending a 10 year old to bed upset because he just got educated in the ways of football, but the ones that complain about every call and the ones that quit once the ball bounces the other way really grind my gears.
17. Mike Leech – This guy doesn’t really bother me as much at all but others have complaints about him. He’s the one that
drops back and passes for 50 times in a game. Kudos if you can make it work for you. The one thing that is frustrating is when he does do his 3 run plays that game – they all go for over 30 yards – yup, that’s frustrating.16. Barry Sanders – This is the guy that will beat you absolutely senseless and he will never showboat or say a dang thing. He’s been there before and is a consummate professional. Why does he bother me? You can’t even rattle him with trash-talking – he’s just that good. C’mon man, just say something!
15. Stack the Right Side Guy – Self explanatory, he stacks the right side of the line and ever since you were able to audible at the line, he has been defeated.
14. Re-Arrange Guy – This guy will re-arrange his entire line-up several times a game. This isn’t baseball; you don’t play Madden for chess matches. Change your defense, stop running zone and buck up. So your quarterback threw 2 picks, do you really need the carousel to start in the second quarter?
13. 4 Plays Steve – This guy will run the same 4 plays over and over again hoping the success rate will rise with each play. Well, it doesn’t. The PA Boot Rollout doesn’t work this game Bud, I know you’re not handing off.
12. Darth Vader - He usually sounds like he has an upper respiratory problem in which he breathes heavily (if not unhealthfully) in to the mic. Something about Madden really gets this guy off (thank you, thank you I’ll be here all week!). He’s also the silent type as he won’t say anything the whole game except for the breathing. You half expect him to say “I am your father” once or twice to see if you laugh.
11. Post Route…Again – This guy takes the fastest receiver in the game and just has him run post routes…ALL DAY. This is also the type of gamer that will miraculously pull off the converted 4th and 35 after being sacked 3 times waiting for the post guy to get open.
10. Bo Jackson circa Tecmo Super Bowl – He just scampered 70 yards for a touchdo…wait…no…he stopped at the 1. He just turned around and decided to duck, dodge, dip, duck, and dodge the 11 defenders that have followed him to the goal line.
Why don’t I stop him? Because my controller was thrown down once the last block was sealed. I refuse to waste energy on a race I can’t win. I Randy Moss it after he beats the safety.9. Mr. Use it All – This guy will use every second of the play clock every time. No question about it, he treats Madden like he’s really in the game. Maybe it’s the headset that gets him confused. This is not a control the clock situation, it’s a game homie.
8. 1? No, 2 – This guy only goes for two no matter the circumstance. I have found that these people will line up for the extra point and then fake it as a last resort. Why is it these gamers have a 68% Did Not Finish rating? Hmmmm…
7. The Mystery Man – This gamer only appears to talk after he is up a touchdown. He turns off his headset as soon as the score is even or he gets behind.
6. F-Bomb Bomber – His commas are replaced by F-bombs. The game rating may change due to online interactions you say? Well, it’s because this lusty teenager cusses (expletive) screams (expletive) and uses more curses to describe the play (I told you he dropped the use of commas in favor for F’s) – “Hey man, did you **** see that *** catch? **** right, man!”
5. The “Down by Two Scores, But I’ll Offer a Friendly Quit” Guy – Not a chance young man, especially if you don’t have a headset to tell me why. If you have to do a friendly quit because your mother just dropped dead in the next room I suppose I’ll allow it. But because you’re down by 14? Yup, now I’m going for the jugular.
4. The Guy Who Replaces the QB With the Fastest Guy On the Team – Do I really have to say more? Ok, we get it; you’re going to run the option. You’re going to run around in the pocket for a full-fledged minute pretending you’re going to throw before you just run the ball anyway. I’m annoyed just thinking about this guy.
3. Mr. Freeze – The guy that pauses the game 5 times each half for absolutely no reason. He also doesn’t wear a headset either so he’s like Chazz Rineholt’s mom in Wedding Crashers; you never know what he’s doing in there.
2. The “Whoever was the Last National Champion is my Team” Guy – They won the crown for a reason. They also had bandwagons fans like you clinging onto them like the last chopper out of ‘Nam. 90% of people playing are Florida (it’s a stat look it up) mainly because they have Tebow (I’m sorry QB #15, Sam Keller don’t worry, it’s not really Tebow), who actually has done some extra-curricular activities (I was completely unaware of this, I wish FOX had brought it to my attention during the National Championship), that can run AND throw (despite what the scouts say – check out NCAA Football 10 and tell me he can’t throw). This guy encompasses several on the Top 20.
1. The Ryan Colston Offense – Let me preface this by saying Ryan Colston was my roommate for two years in college. Our first year in college we played 15 seasons of Madden and there literally was no players left that were real from NCAA that were able to be imported and the real NFL players had all retired. We outlasted reality. Our group of friends had been playing Madden seriously for years and we knew each other’s game plans to a T. However, Ryan was the one that everyone hated to play. He combined several members of the top 20 to earn the coveted Number One spot. Ryan’s game plan was predictable and beatable but he perfected his craft (crap) to where it became an art form. His strategy was as follows: He always had the fastest quarterback in the game, he always darted backwards 20 yards after the snap and dodged lineman for about 40 minutes then made his way towards the line of scrimmage where he would throw a 70 yard bomb (or scramble never intending to throw – see #4) off of his back foot (perfect spiral no less) to a receiver who was triple covered who was running a post pattern. You could tip the ball, his receiver would catch it. You could sack him but the ball would always leave his hand as he was parallel to the ground. Every time we played it was for a trophy we hung in our apartment and I think the all-time series was like 167-4 (chalk a few up for Mr. Kennedy) and we had some very close games but every time a game was on the horizon I was immediately perturbed to face this evil foe. The last thing I will say about it was that he NEVER quit a game. I once beat him 66-9 and I didn’t even give him the satisfaction of getting a touchdown. He once was late for his first Valentine’s date with his future fiancé because of a classic Nebraska – K-State showdown, a game in which he lost due to a Flutie-type Hail Mary. Ask his fiancé, it ruined the mood but he was a warrior in the end.
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